When 'Normal' Relationship Stress Becomes a Red Flag: A Therapist's Guide
How to distinguish between temporary challenges and patterns that need professional attention
Life has a way of testing relationships. Career changes, parenting transitions, financial pressures, family illness, moving house - these stressors are inevitable parts of life that every couple will face at some point. But here's what I've learned after years of working with couples: it's not the stress itself that determines relationship outcomes, it's how couples navigate stress together.
In my practice, I see many couples who initially dismiss their relationship struggles as "just stress" or "a rough patch we'll get through." While some relationship challenges are indeed temporary responses to life circumstances, others signal deeper issues that won't resolve on their own.
Understanding the difference can save your relationship.
Normal Relationship Stress: What to Expect
Every relationship experiences periods of strain. Here's what normal stress responses look like:
Temporary Communication Changes
During stressful periods, couples might:
Have less patience for small annoyances
Need more time to process conversations
Feel overwhelmed by decision-making
Struggle to find energy for deep conversations
The key difference: Both partners recognize these changes and work together to manage them.
Shifts in Intimacy and Connection
Stress naturally affects physical and emotional intimacy:
Less frequent or spontaneous physical affection
Reduced sexual intimacy temporarily
Feeling emotionally drained after dealing with stressors
Needing more individual space to recharge
What makes it normal: Partners communicate about these changes and maintain underlying care and respect for each other.
Increased Conflict Over Practical Matters
Stress often shows up as arguments about:
Household responsibilities and time management
Financial decisions and priorities
Parenting approaches (especially during transitions)
How to handle the stressful situation itself
Healthy stress conflict: Focuses on problem-solving rather than personal attacks, and both partners feel heard even when they disagree.
When Stress Becomes a Red Flag
While some relationship strain during difficult times is normal, certain patterns signal deeper problems that won't resolve when the external stressor disappears.
1. Turning Away Instead of Toward Each Other
Red flag pattern: Instead of seeking comfort and support from each other, partners consistently turn to other sources or withdraw entirely.
What this looks like:
Confiding in friends or family about relationship problems instead of your partner
Using work, hobbies, or other activities to avoid dealing with relationship issues
Feeling like your partner is an additional burden rather than a source of support
Consistently choosing to handle stress alone rather than as a team
Why it's concerning: Research shows that couples who turn toward each other during stress strengthen their bond, while those who turn away create distance that often persists after the stressor is gone.
2. Blame and Criticism Become the Default
Red flag pattern: Instead of addressing the external stressor, partners blame each other for their stress or use stress as an excuse for hurtful behavior.
Examples:
"If you hadn't taken that job, we wouldn't be dealing with this"
"You're making this so much harder than it needs to be"
"I wouldn't be so stressed if you actually helped around here"
Using stress as justification for contemptuous behavior
The deeper issue: Healthy couples distinguish between external stressors and relationship dynamics. When stress becomes an excuse for attacking your partner's character, it signals underlying relationship problems.
3. Loss of Emotional Safety
Red flag pattern: Stress creates an environment where partners feel they can't be vulnerable with each other.
Warning signs:
Feeling like you have to manage your partner's emotions about the stressor
Being afraid to express your own stress or concerns
Walking on eggshells to avoid making the situation worse
Feeling criticized or judged when you're struggling
Why this matters: Emotional safety is fundamental to healthy relationships. If stress destroys your ability to be vulnerable with each other, it indicates problems with the relationship foundation itself.
4. Competing Rather Than Collaborating
Red flag pattern: Partners begin competing over who's more stressed, who's working harder, or who's sacrificing more.
What competing looks like:
"You think you're tired? I've been dealing with..."
Keeping score of contributions and sacrifices
Minimizing your partner's stress while emphasizing your own
Feeling resentful about what you're giving versus what you're receiving
Healthy alternative: Strong couples acknowledge that stress affects everyone differently and work together to support each other rather than compete for sympathy.
5. Using Stress to Avoid Relationship Issues
Red flag pattern: Existing relationship problems get buried under stress, with the assumption they'll resolve when life calms down.
Common examples:
"We'll work on our communication after this project is finished"
"Once the kids are older, we'll have time for each other again"
"This isn't the right time to deal with relationship issues"
Using busyness as an excuse to avoid difficult conversations
The reality: Relationship issues rarely resolve on their own. Stress often reveals existing problems rather than creating new ones.
The Parenting Transition: A Common Stress Test
Since many of my clients are navigating parenting transitions, this deserves special attention. Having children - whether your first or adding to your family - is one of the biggest stressors couples face.
Normal parenting stress responses:
Feeling overwhelmed by new responsibilities
Disagreeing about parenting approaches while learning together
Struggling to balance couple time with family demands
Feeling exhausted and emotionally drained
Red flag patterns during parenting transitions:
Consistently criticizing your partner's parenting rather than working together
Using children as an excuse to avoid all couple connection
Feeling like you're parenting alone even when your partner is present
Losing respect for your partner based on their parenting style
The Career Change Challenge
Career transitions - job loss, promotion, career change, or work stress - are another common relationship stressor I see in my practice.
Normal career stress responses:
Temporary financial anxiety affecting household decisions
Needing extra emotional support during the transition
Adjusting schedules and routines around new work demands
Feeling uncertain about the future together
Red flag patterns during career stress:
Blaming your partner for career decisions or outcomes
Using work stress as an excuse to emotionally withdraw from the relationship
Making major career decisions without considering your partner's input
Feeling like your partner doesn't understand or support your professional goals
When External Stress Reveals Internal Problems
Sometimes what appears to be stress-related relationship problems actually reveals deeper issues that were already present:
Communication Problems
Stress doesn't create poor communication - it reveals it. If you struggle to communicate effectively during calm periods, stress will amplify these problems.
Different Values and Priorities
Stressful situations often force couples to make difficult decisions that reveal misaligned values or priorities.
Unresolved Past Issues
Stress can trigger old wounds or unresolved conflicts, making them feel fresh and urgent again.
Incompatible Coping Styles
How each partner handles stress individually affects how they handle it together. Incompatible coping styles can create additional relationship stress.
The Recovery Test: What Happens When Stress Decreases
One of the best ways to distinguish between normal stress responses and red flag patterns is to observe what happens when external stressors decrease:
Healthy stress recovery:
Connection and intimacy naturally return
Communication improves without conscious effort
Partners feel grateful for how they supported each other
The relationship feels stronger for having weathered the challenge together
Concerning patterns:
Distance and disconnection persist even after stress decreases
Resentment about how stress was handled remains
Partners have learned to function independently and struggle to reconnect
The relationship feels damaged by the stressful period
Building Stress Resilience Together
Strong couples don't avoid stress - they develop resilience to handle it together. Here are key strategies:
Create a Stress Management Plan
Discuss how you each typically respond to stress
Identify what support looks like for each of you
Agree on how to handle stress-related conflicts
Plan regular check-ins during stressful periods
Maintain Connection Rituals
Protect some couple time, even if it's just 10 minutes daily
Continue physical affection even when you're tired
Share appreciation for how your partner is handling stress
Keep some activities that bring you joy together
Practice Stress Communication
Use "I" statements about your stress rather than blaming
Ask specifically for the support you need
Acknowledge your partner's stress without minimizing it
Separate stress venting from problem-solving conversations
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider couples therapy if:
Stress patterns persist after external stressors have resolved
You're consistently turning away from each other during difficult times
Stress is being used to justify hurtful behavior
You feel like you're losing emotional safety in your relationship
The same stressors keep creating the same relationship problems
At My Wellness Mindset, we help couples distinguish between normal stress responses and concerning patterns. Using the Gottman Method, we teach couples how to turn toward each other during difficult times and build resilience for future challenges.
The Bottom Line
Stress is inevitable in relationships, but how you handle it together is a choice. Normal relationship stress brings couples closer together over time, while red flag patterns create lasting distance and resentment.
The goal isn't to eliminate stress from your relationship - it's to develop the skills to navigate stress as a team. When you can weather life's storms together, your relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.
Remember: seeking help during stressful periods isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of wisdom. Early intervention can prevent temporary stress from creating lasting relationship damage.
If you're struggling to distinguish between normal relationship stress and concerning patterns, professional support can provide clarity and tools for moving forward. Our Gottman Method couples therapy helps partners build resilience and navigate life's challenges together.
Ready to strengthen your relationship's stress resilience? Book a consultation at book.carepatron.com/My-Wellness-Mindset or call 0487 933 653. We offer flexible scheduling including evenings and weekends at no extra cost.
About the Author: Kierra is a professionally registered counsellor with specialized training in the Gottman Method for couples therapy. She holds a Bachelor of Social Science (Psychology), Bachelor of Business (Human Resources), and Diploma of Counselling. Based on the Sunshine Coast, she helps individuals and couples build stronger, more connected relationships through evidence-based therapeutic approaches.
