Week 1: Foundations + Recognising Red Flags
Understanding the Difference…
The Reality Check
Every relationship has challenges. Arguments, disagreements, and difficult conversations are completely normal parts of building a life together. The key isn't avoiding all conflict—it's understanding the difference between healthy relationship challenges and genuine red flags that signal deeper problems.
Healthy Relationship Challenges
What “Normal” Looks Like:
Disagreements About:
Money management styles
Household responsibilities
Social preferences (staying in vs. going out)
Family time and boundaries
Career priorities and decisions
Parenting approaches
Future planning and goals
Healthy Conflict Characteristics:
Both partners feel heard and respected
Focus stays on the specific issue
Willingness to compromise and find solutions
Ability to repair and reconnect after disagreements
Arguments don't attack character or worth
Both people take responsibility for their part
Example of Healthy Challenge: "We disagree about how much to spend on vacation this year. We both have valid points—I want to save more, you want to create memories. Let's look at our budget together and find a compromise that works for both of us."
Red Flags: When Challenges Become Toxic
The Four Horsemen in Action:
🚩 Criticism Red Flags:
Attacks on character: "You're so irresponsible with money"
Global statements: "You never think about our future"
Blame without solutions: "Everything wrong is because of you"
🚩 Contempt Red Flags:
Eye-rolling, sneering, or mocking during serious conversations
Sarcasm meant to hurt: "Oh sure, because you're such a financial expert"
Name-calling or insults: "You're pathetic"
Acting superior: "I'm obviously the only adult in this relationship"
🚩 Defensiveness Red Flags:
Refusing to take any responsibility
Counter-attacking: "Well, you spend money on stupid things too!"
Playing victim: "I can never do anything right for you"
Making excuses instead of addressing the issue
🚩 Stonewalling Red Flags:
Completely shutting down during important conversations
Silent treatment lasting hours or days
Walking away without explanation
Refusing to engage in problem-solving
The Transformation: From Red Flag to Green Light
Before (Red Flag Pattern):
Partner A: "You never help with anything around here! You just sit there like a lazy slob while I do everything!" (Criticism + Contempt)
Partner B: "That's not true! You're being dramatic. I worked all day while you were just at home!" (Defensiveness)
Partner A: "Don't you dare minimize what I do! You have no idea how hard—"
Partner B: Walks away and gives silent treatment (Stonewalling)
After (Healthy Challenge):
Partner A: "I'm feeling overwhelmed with the household tasks. I'd love to work out a system where we both contribute. Can we talk about how to divide things up?" (Gentle Startup)
Partner B: "You're right, I haven't been pulling my weight lately. I've been stressed with work, but that's not fair to you. What would be most helpful?" (Taking Responsibility)
Partner A: "Thank you for hearing me. Maybe we could each pick a few tasks we prefer? I don't mind cooking if you handle dishes and laundry."
Partner B: "That sounds fair. And I appreciate everything you do—I should tell you that more often." (Building Appreciation)
Quick Assessment: Red Flag or Healthy Challenge?
Ask Yourself:
After our disagreements, do we typically:
✅ Feel closer and more understood?
✅ Have a plan to move forward?
✅ Both feel heard and respected?
❌ Feel hurt, angry, or disconnected?
❌ Have the same fight repeatedly?
❌ Attack each other's character?
During conflict, do we:
✅ Focus on the specific issue?
✅ Take breaks when emotions get high?
✅ Use "I" statements and gentle language?
❌ Bring up past hurts and unrelated issues?
❌ Use hurtful language or insults?
❌ Try to "win" rather than solve the problem?
In our relationship, do we:
✅ Appreciate and respect each other daily?
✅ Take responsibility for our mistakes?
✅ Support each other's growth and goals?
❌ Feel like we're walking on eggshells?
❌ Avoid important conversations?
❌ Feel contempt or disgust toward each other?
The Good News
Red flags can be transformed into green lights. The Four Horsemen aren't permanent relationship death sentences—they're learned patterns that can be unlearned with awareness, practice, and commitment from both partners.
What You'll Learn in This Program:
Week 1: Recognise your specific red flag patterns
Week 2: Transform criticism into healthy communication
Week 3: Replace contempt with genuine appreciation
Week 4: Move from defensiveness to responsibility
Week 5: Stop stonewalling and stay connected
Week 6: Maintain your progress and prevent relapse
Remember:
Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free—they're relationships where conflict leads to greater understanding, connection, and growth.
The couples who thrive aren't the ones who never disagree. They're the ones who've learned to disagree with respect, love, and a commitment to working through challenges together.
Your relationship challenges are opportunities for deeper connection. Let's learn how to seize them.